Acceptance, Attitude Adjustments, Be Happy, Being Strong, Coping, Courage, Invisible Illness, Just Breathe, Laughter, Love, Passion for Living, Thankfulness, That's life, Uncategorized, Unexpected Life Events

Just Keep Going…

It’s been 130  days since my AN diagnosis.  Since then, I’ve been through loads of doctor appointments (I’ve lost count), a variety of tests, another diagnosis of an infection in my mastoid bones (behind my ears), which seems to be resistant (I’ve been on 4 different antibiotics so far), and a seizure.  I’m now on anti-seizure meds, and a few things to try to control my headaches.  This seems to be the new “normal” for me, and we just keep hoping for the best with each appointment.

I try not to miss any work.  I’ve actually only missed 3 days out of 70 so far this year, and have taken an early leave here and there for doctor appointments.  I also go in early almost every day……a habit I’ve had for a very long time.  I know if I sit at home, I would get depressed…..something that is easy to do with any illness.  I don’t want to add depression to the list of conditions and symptoms.  Besides, I love my students, and appreciate that this is probably the best class I’ve ever taught!  I guess I need them right now.  They let me know how much they love me, and how much they care about me.  They tell me constantly that they love me, they hug me, they make pictures for me, are pretty well behaved, and they understand that sometimes I can’t get up too fast!  I told them about my recent EEG, and they enjoyed imagining their silly teacher with the 25 electrodes coming off of her head.

I don’t let a lot of people see me when I’m feeling bad.  I have learned to manage that very well.  The teacher who teaches next door to me, Tamesa, has become such a great friend.  We vent, laugh, cry, and support each other every day!  She is one of the few who sees me holding my hurting head, or can tell by the look on my face that I’m in pain, and knows what is going on, without me having to say anything.  It’s nice to have a friend/co-worker like that, but she also understands my fierce independence, and knows when I just need to push through.

I have had people ask me how I do it.  How do I keep going?  The commute? Teaching 1st graders? The work load? One of my husband’s friends in New York said in his thick NY accent, “She’s a troopah!” Well, what choice do I have?  Like I said before, I don’t want to sit home and get depressed, having no interaction with anyone.  While I might need more rest now, I still believe that I can manage this more effectively by continuing to keep busy, and keep a normal schedule. And…..I don’t want to give up my way of life.  I don’t want to get old before my time.  Young at heart = hopefulness and positivity.

I have seen people with chronic illnesses give up, go on disability, stay home, and become old before their time.  If you know anything about me, you know I have a sense of adventure and fun, and a curiosity to learn about people and places.  I love travel.  I love museums.  I’m not old enough to give up that part of myself.  I might stumble a bit here and there.  I might not hear everything, especially in a noisy room.  I might be hypersensitive to loud noises.  I might have headaches.  I might feel pressure in my ear and head.  I might have vertigo that makes life feel extra wobbly.  I might have to be more aware of the signs (auras) of an impending seizure.  I might have to eventually have surgery. But my life will not stop being enjoyable because I have a chronic illness! I refuse to give in to this.  I guess this is where my stubbornness pays off!

Over the last 130 days, I have learned so much.  I’ve learned that I am much stronger and more determined than I ever realized.  I’ve learned that I keep my balance better if I give myself more time and turn on lights!  I’ve learned that my husband is a jewel (I actually already knew this, but he has just confirmed it, as he helps me up every morning so I don’t fall, reminds me to be careful, and is understanding and supportive with my fatigue and limitations).  I’ve learned who really cares about me, and who is there to support me on this journey, wherever it leads me.  Fortunately, there are a lot of people supporting me that I never knew cared so much!  I’ve learned that naps are not only enjoyable, but they really do help!  I’ve learned a lot about two illnesses that I have, that I never dreamed would affect me.  I’ve learned to really appreciate small acts of kindness, quiet moments, fresh air, a good laugh, a walk, and all of the positive things in life.  I want to be the best me I can be for my children, who I know have been worried and scared through this.  I want them to enjoy their silly mama, who loves to laugh and embarrass them in public.  I want to be the best me for my husband, who shows me his strength every day, but I know he worries and gets scared from all of this too.

So the last 130 days of knowing what is wrong with me has been an emotional and physical roller coaster, but I appreciate what it has given me.  Things can always be worse!  I can do this…..with a few adjustments and a lot of support from those who love me.  I’m not ready to give up anything yet…..and I won’t.

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Coping, Just Breathe, Uncategorized, Unexpected Life Events

The Unexpected

Unexpected occurrences can leave us feeling happy, excited, frustrated, scared, sad, mad, or maybe even lonely.  There aren’t a lot of true surprises in life anymore.  One of the real surprises in life is when you find out what gender your newborn child will be.  I never wanted to know because I wanted to be surprised.  I’m still glad I waited on that one. Things happen that we don’t expect, though.  Life doesn’t always happen the way we want or expect. That’s okay. They say it’s all about the journey, right?

The last few years, I’ve had some unexpected things happen.  I went back to teaching after a brief hiatus from the profession…..I had a really bad experience with dishonest people in a private school.  I published my first book about the crazy things my students have said and done.  I married my best friend, and found happiness I never thought was meant for me.  I’ve had one financial set back after another, which has left me afraid and questioning why greed and dishonesty seem to pay.  I’ve had a couple of serious health issues that were just the luck of the draw, and not caused by heredity or anything I did wrong. With each situation, I’ve kept focusing on the positive, trying to stay upbeat, and it isn’t always easy.  Surprises. Unexpected events.  Life.

Like I said, it’s all about the journey.  As I’m typing this, my sweet husband is on his way home from spending a few days in New York with his family.  His flight was delayed due to weather, which is causing him to miss his connecting flight, making it a long stressful day for him, not knowing what to expect, or what time he’ll get home.  It happens when you fly, but still unexpected and frustrating.

Being prepared for the unexpected is almost impossible, no matter how much we tell ourselves the opposite.  We are taught to be kind and respectful (most of us), but sometimes that isn’t enough to get along with everyone.  We are taught to be responsible with money (most of us), but things happen to put a kink in our finances, and can put us in desperate situations.  We are taught to take care of our bodies by eating right and exercising, but sometimes things happen that are out of our control.

Dealing with unexpected events can be hard, especially if you feel alone.  We can pray, sing, breathe, meditate, scream, throw things, go for a walk, work out, read, write, cry, etc. Having someone to help you through helps too….a friend or spouse to provide a hug and a shoulder to lean on….a support group….a counselor.  Whatever helps someone cope is okay, as long as it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  Don’t go down that road to cope with your struggles.  That might make things worse.  There isn’t one solution for every unexpected event for every person.  As I’ve said before, our differences make this world a beautiful place, so dealing with personal setbacks, or surprises, isn’t one size fits all.  Patience is essential in every situation.

Surprises.  Unexpected events.  The journey of life.  Hold on.  Breathe.  Be patient.